This all happens so fast. Had mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy. Mass in breast is at least 5 cm. not a cyst, and definitely irregularly shaped and all over the place. Lots of calcification in the middle which the radiologist said isn't good. I was in good spirits at the hospital. It was what I expected and I was grateful they did biopsy immediately.
I think I have cancer. Not just skin cancer, but breast cancer. At age 30. It's usually late when it's recognizable this young, usually aggressive and doesn't respond well to treatment. What if I die? I never anticipated being this young. What about my kids? Don't they need a mother?! How awful to leave Bryce alone. I read our patriarchal blessings today. They don't sound like I'll die at 30! I started questioning the purpose of life. I guess I always felt like I had lots of years to figure it out and do something meaningful with my life. If you had six months to live (who knows if that's too short or even too long) how would you spend it? What is the most important thing I can be doing right now? I love my kids. I hold them and snuggle them and look in to their eyes. I have never hoped before like I am now. Not so much that I'll make it through but that they will. With whatever may come. That they can be strong. That they can endure. That they can feel the power of God and know that they are never alone. As we were at the park today and I looked up at the mountains, I was reminded that Heavenly Father knows me. He is aware of me. He knows what I'm experiencing. I have to trust him. I don't know how this makes sense or why or how this fits in to the bigger part of the plan. I have to be willing to trust. Maybe five years from now this will all be gone and life will be normal and I'll look at this as a chapter in my life. But if not... I have such hope that all the things I've believed my whole life will happen for me and my family. That they will be faithful so we can be together some day. I am grateful for experiences I have had that have strengthened my testimony. It's interesting how the Lord prepares you. I spent last year keeping track of promptings and acting on them. Because of those experiences I cannot deny that the Lord knows me personally. Because I know that, I know I am not alone and that He loves me and is aware of me, and because of that I can trust Him.
So many more questions and much to learn. Already I am tired of reading. It's not reading to learn - it's reading to live. Which one would think would be more motivating. It's emotional and exhausting.
I am grateful for the many blessings I see already.
- Lindsay was with the kids all morning during my apt and while Bryce and I had lunch.
- She made dinner for us and cleaned my kitchen.
- Bryce and Camryn brought home tulips for me
I want to know how to help Bryce. I can't image what this might be like for him. I appreciate his affection and I am grateful we have come together and strengthened our relationship through this already.
We were at lunch today and talking about how to tell the kids. Bryce said we need to start by giving them something tangible. Pink ribbons. I crumbled. It became so real for me then. And so scary. I just started crying. Openly in the sandwich shop. He did too. Never will I judge anyone again. Who knows what someone is going through at first glance. Hi, I'm eating lunch with my husband and I just found out I pretty much have breast cancer. How's your day? :). Oh to think of others. How much better life is when we do. We talked about how we can think of others and find purpose. We talked about early detection for our sisters and daughters. How guilty(?) I feel for my genes and giving them to my daughters. Even if treatments go well and I can have more kids which is very uncertain at this point and highly unlikely with chemo/radiation - do I want to pass this on? I guess I will have to make that decision when the time comes and be prayerful.
My topics to study are
- a good surgeon and oncologist
- clinical trials - as that is where the most current treatment will be
- fertility
I am grateful I have four children. That we had kids right away and that it has been very easy for me to get pregnant. I am grateful for the counsel of a prophet. We have a wonderful family of six. That may be the extent of our family tree. It may not be. But I know so many times when I held Deacon as a baby in the mornings or put him down at night or just held him, that the Lord let me know - almost daily- to enjoy it and treasure it because I might not get that chance again. I didn't know if that meant Deacon was my last or what that feeling meant, but I knew to cherish those moments. How grateful I am now for those promptings. I did enjoy each moment and treasured them. I'm surprised I'm at peace with this being the size of our family. I guess I feel prepared and trust the Lord. Bryce and I have always said after Taylor was born that one was enough. That being a parent was such a privilege and blessing and we didn't have to have many children to experience those blessings. How blessed we are that we have Taylor, Dakota, Camryn, and Deacon.
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