Called my dad today. (I think we will tell our families this weekend.) It was nice to pretend for one more phone call with him that I don't have cancer. That everything was ok, that today and life was just like any other day. Today will probably the last, at least for a while.
I am excited about some ideas Bryce and I have that give some meaning and outward focus to breast cancer. As we embark on this cancer journey, we are learning so much and identifying where the gaps are between science and medicine. We have a few blog ideas - knowmygene, findmycure, finding answers through personalized medicine. I want to make others aware (who don't have a husband with a phd in genetics) of what is available to them, and empower them with knowledge so they can be informed patients seeking the best care. We'll see what happens. Dream big, right? :)
Journal entry - a little later in the day
So maybe I'm not as tough as I think I am, or I'm realizing and coming to terms that I am extremely emotional. I walked into my Obgyn office today to register for access to all of my test results. I saw a pregnant woman and her husband, and a nurse with their ultrasound pics. Tears came from nowhere and my heart ached. To hold a little one in my arms, to watch my kids grow up overnight as I bring a newborn home, and watch them love their new sibling. I won't be pregnant for a minimum of five years, maybe 10, or maybe not ever again. I recognize I need to be grateful for what I do have but I couldn't help but miss it - and wish I were well so I could be getting pregnant right now instead of fighting cancer. How grateful I am for Taylor, Dakota, Camryn, and Deacon and not only to be a mother but to be their mother.
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