Hope

Treatment 4 of 12 today, but who's counting?!  :)  Bryce drove up to Spokane with the kids, so Kaylee joined me today and brought me lunch. Thanks sis!

I shared my side effects with the oncologist and he reduced my dose by 10% to limit permanent side effects of the taxol. I asked if that increased my chances of recurrence later and he said that the stats provide the big picture and that dosage reductions are part of that big picture, so the percentages don't change.  My take on what he said - in the big picture stats may not change but individually they prob do. Oh well....

I saw a beautiful moment of hope today as I started my chemo treatment. A young woman who I have seen for the last few weeks was finishing her last chemo treatment. What I discovered today is that she is a mother of five and probably only a few years older then me judging by the age of her kids. Her husband and five kids were there to celebrate with her as she rang the bell on her final day of treatment. My heart filled with emotion and I felt my eyes tear up. After she left, I reflected on my emotions, surprised by reaction and the variety of feelings I was experiencing. 

• I was happy that she had such a supportive family too and that she wasn't in this battle alone. I ached for her and her family and wondered how they were holding up in this cancer battle. (My own trials don't seem so bad because I know how I'm doing, but with others you wonder how they are truly holding up).  

• I was a little saddened that I had missed out on an opportunity to make a friend with a woman who's situation was similar to mine - young breast cancer patient, young mother, same cancer, same drug treatment plan.  In my effort to sit away from other patients to provide them with some privacy and as little disturbance as possible, I felt today that I had missed a blessing in my life. This woman had thank you notes for the nurses and from the few words she spoke it was obvious she was a tender-hearted and loving woman.  

• Another feeling I recognized was hope. There was light at the end of the tunnel and I became excited that in 8 weeks my day would come to have my entire family in that room ringing the bell with me. 

Week 3 of 12

Only a couple of times this week I felt tingling in my thumbs. A great improvement from last week! Unfortunately on Sunday I started feeling the numbness and tingling on top of my foot and later numbness in my entire right leg. I got up out of bed to walk around to make sure I could walk without falling (my doctor asked me last week if I had fallen from the neuropathy and the question horrified me, that neuropathy could get that bad). I didn't fall and could walk normally so that was comforting.

The good news is that the numbness and tingling never last for more than a minute so it's not bothersome. Just makes me wonder what permanent damage could be happening. Stats for neuropathy with taxol are that 1/3 never feel the tingling (missed that boat), 1/3 feel it only during chemo, and for the rest of the unlucky 1/3 it lasts their entire life. Hope I'm that middle third!

 On Monday the tingling changed a bit - instead of tingling it felt more like pins and needles. I wouldn't say it was painful, but it was a change from what it had been. I had been on my feet all day packing (Yes, we're moving next week - when it rains it pours!) :) so I wondered if i just had tired feet but the pins and needles came in my fingers too, and later my mouth was feeling numb. Part of me wonders if I'm inventing all these crazy feelings in my body, just more acutely aware of my feet falling asleep because I'm paranoid, or if I'm really having side effects :).

With that said... I like to be specific in my prayers, so for all of you wonderful friends and amazing people that keep us in yours, I could use prayers that my body will be strong against the taxol so I can receive all of my chemo treatments, and that my nerves will have as little damage as possible. There is power in prayer, and it's important to remember - I'm alive! So come what may with neurothpathy, I am blessed to be alive! :)

California Here We Come!

Bryce had a work trip to Los Angeles (on my birthday) and he surprised me with a ticket to go too. He packed my bag and everything! (In less than five minutes btw - and didn't forget a thing). #heisawesome. We left straight from chemo and had a great 2-day trip.

 Day 1 - I went to the Los Angeles temple while Bryce had his work presentations and meetings. He finished early so we were able to meet up and go to the beach before dinner and ice cream. So fun to walk in the water and see and hear the ocean. If you ever need a good calf workout - try walking on dry sand for awhile. :)

 Day 2 - Slept in and drove to the Newport Beach temple. (This temple was announced while I lived in CA and would have been the temple closest to me, however my family moved to Colorado before construction started so it was meaningful to see it finished and operating.)

After Newport we we drove to the San Diego temple. (Can you tell I love the temple?) :). The San Diego temple has a special place in my heart because as an 8-year old girl when my family attended its open house, I decided inside that I would be married there. While I ended up getting married in the Provo temple, (does life ever go as planned?!) :) it was in the San Diego temple that my decision to be married in the house of the Lord was cemented, and became a moment in my life that I referenced and reflected on often growing up.  Dinner was amazing at an restaurant on the harbor (seafood and my pick btw. I know, I have come a long way) :).

All of the temples we attended were beautiful inside and out and I am grateful we have houses of the Lord all over the earth. Our lives, as well as those who have passed away, are blessed as we attend, and it is my favorite place on Earth to be. I feel the strength and power of the Lord and His Spirit and I know with absolute certainty that He loves and is aware of me.  It was a wonderful trip - fun to be surprised, with Bryce, and in temples from my childhood.

 (To learn more about these temples visit https://www.lds.org/church/temples?lang=eng)

Week 2 of 12

I told my oncologist about the tingling and he was surprised because the weekly treatment plan is supposed to reduce tingling and numbness. Makes me grateful I went this route instead of 4 treatments at a high dose every two weeks.

He said the standard of care is to continue with chemo treatments until there is pain. He said he tended to cut back on dosage a little earlier than the standard guidelines which was comforting but that this week we should push through and keep dosage and treatment the same.

I asked if the Benadryl reduction was reason for feeling the numbness and tingling (its dosage was the only thing that changed last week) but he said Benadryl has no impact or effect on the tingling.

Now off to California to celebrate my birthday and our 10-year anniversary!!

Spoke too soon

I spoke too soon. Lots of numbness and tingling this week. It feels like my feet and hands have fallen asleep and are waking up. Kind of annoying but the scary thing is that this numbness and tingling means nerve damage and it could be permanent. Oncologist was going to skip seeing me next treatment and just give me the drugs because last week was so awesome but I made an apt with him to figure out my options.

Good news is I feel awesome!!

Week 1 of 12

Had an awesome week. Like I'm not on chemo. No side effects, no nausea, no numbness and tingling. I couldn't help but think that maybe they gave me a placebo. :). When I jokingly told my oncologist he informed me my blood counts showed I had chemo. :) I'm liking taxol a lot better than dose dense AC.

I talked my oncologist into reducing my Benadryl dosage (I compromised at 50%) :) because I had no allergic reaction last week and that was the reason for the Benadryl. No need to come home sleepy for the rest of the day.

Still came home and took a three hour nap. Couldn't go to bed until 3:30 in the morning even though I was tired. Those steroids...(side effect is difficulty sleeping). My nap prob had something to do with it too. :)