April 13, 2015

Today is going to be a great day. Bryce said we are celebrating today. The news of cancer free, or the adventure. :/. I am grateful for my testimony. For a knowledge of the gospel. For the temple and priesthood and covenants and promises that families can be together forever. Guess I'm ready as I'll ever be. I have my questions ready!

April 12, 2015

Had a great weekend trip in Zion.  The timing on this trip couldn't have been more perfect.  It was nice to be together as a family, without distractions.  We could just be together.  Lots of time for me and Bryce to talk about our possible road ahead, and at the same time forget about cancer.  

Tomorrow we find out if I have it. I wish today would never end.  My last day that life could be "normal."  Here goes nothing - and yet everything.

I told Bryce on our drive home from Zion that come what may, I wanted to be buried in Provo.  It was where I was born, it was where I was married, and if I died there too it's where I wanted to be.  Through our tears, he said, "That's what I came up with too."

Mammogram at 30?!

I'm 30 and getting a mammogram.  This is crazy.  

This all happens so fast. Had mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy. Mass in breast is at least 5 cm. not a cyst, and definitely irregularly shaped and all over the place. Lots of calcification in the middle which the radiologist said isn't good. I was in good spirits at the hospital. It was what I expected and I was grateful they did biopsy immediately. 

I think I have cancer. Not just skin cancer, but breast cancer. At age 30. It's usually late when it's recognizable this young, usually aggressive and doesn't respond well to treatment.  What if I die?  I never anticipated being this young. What about my kids?  Don't they need a mother?!  How awful to leave Bryce alone. I read our patriarchal blessings today. They don't sound like I'll die at 30!  I started questioning the purpose of life. I guess I always felt like I had lots of years to figure it out and do something meaningful with my life. If you had six months to live (who knows if that's too short or even too long) how would you spend it?  What is the most important thing I can be doing right now?  I love my kids. I hold them and snuggle them and look in to their eyes. I have never hoped before like I am now. Not so much that I'll make it through but that they will. With whatever may come. That they can be strong. That they can endure. That they can feel the power of God and know that they are never alone. As we were at the park today and I looked up at the mountains, I was reminded that Heavenly Father knows me. He is aware of me. He knows what I'm experiencing. I have to trust him. I don't know how this makes sense or why or how this fits in to the bigger part of the plan. I have to be willing to trust. Maybe five years from now this will all be gone and life will be normal and I'll look at this as a chapter in my life. But if not... I have such hope that all the things I've believed my whole life will happen for me and my family. That they will be faithful so we can be together some day.   I am grateful for experiences I have had that have strengthened my testimony. It's interesting how the Lord prepares you. I spent last year keeping track of promptings and acting on them. Because of those experiences I cannot deny that the Lord knows me personally. Because I know that, I know I am not alone and that He loves me and is aware of me, and because of that I can trust Him. 

So many more questions and much to learn. Already I am tired of reading. It's not reading to learn - it's reading to live. Which one would think would be more motivating. It's emotional and exhausting. 

I am grateful for the many blessings I see already. 

• Lindsay was with the kids all morning during my apt and while Bryce and I had lunch. 
• She made dinner for us and cleaned my kitchen. 
• Bryce and Camryn brought home tulips for me

I want to know how to help Bryce. I can't image what this might be like for him.  I appreciate his affection and I am grateful we have come together and strengthened our relationship through this already. 

We were at lunch today and talking about how to tell the kids. Bryce said we need to start by giving them something tangible. Pink ribbons. I crumbled. It became so real for me then. And so scary. I just started crying. Openly in the sandwich shop. He did too. Never will I judge anyone again. Who knows what someone is going through at first glance. Hi, I'm eating lunch with my husband and I just found out I pretty much have breast cancer. How's your day?  :). Oh to think of others. How much better life is when we do. We talked about how we can think of others and find purpose. We talked about early detection for our sisters and daughters. How guilty(?) I feel for my genes and giving them to my daughters. Even if treatments go well and I can have more kids which is very uncertain at this point and highly unlikely with chemo/radiation - do I want to pass this on?  I guess I will have to make that decision when the time comes and be prayerful. 

My topics to study are

- a good surgeon and oncologist

- clinical trials - as that is where the most current treatment will be 

- fertility

I am grateful I have four children. That we had kids right away and that it has been very easy for me to get pregnant. I am grateful for the counsel of a prophet. We have a wonderful family of six. That may be the extent of our family tree. It may not be. But I know so many times when I held Deacon as a baby in the mornings or put him down at night or just held him, that the Lord let me know - almost daily- to enjoy it and treasure it because I might not get that chance again.  I didn't know if that meant Deacon was my last or what that feeling meant, but I knew to cherish those moments. How grateful I am now for those promptings. I did enjoy each moment and treasured them. I'm surprised I'm at peace with this being the size of our family. I guess I feel prepared and trust the Lord. Bryce and I have always said after Taylor was born that one was enough. That being a parent was such a privilege and blessing and we didn't have to have many children to experience those blessings. How blessed we are that we have Taylor, Dakota, Camryn, and Deacon. 

Range of emotions

I feel scared today.  Fearful.  And angry.  I want to push these feelings aside.  I don't even know anything, so I have no reason to be scared or angry.  My right arm and by my right rib cage hurt.  Like I have a big bruise.  It's sore when I reach.  Bryce was trying to help massage my arm and I had him stop because it hurt too much.  

I'm exhausted.  Hope it's general afternoon tiredness.  

Easy to get reading again

Took a break from thinking about breast cancer.  Bryce was reading and had something open on the computer about breast cancer that he left open.  I read it and then started looking things up.  Learned about different lumps in the breast, mammograms and ultrasounds.  Looked at lots of mammograms so hopefully I can gain some information from looking at mine.  

So many questions

Received a call from the radiology department at the hospital. Mammogram and ultrasound scheduled for next Thursday at 10am.  Mammogram should take 25 minutes, Ultrasound 15 minutes.  No biopsy will be performed.  The radiologists will view the "film" (see below) and a couple of days later give them to my OB, then my OB will contact me.  At that point OB may recommend a biopsy.  Frustrating thing is that next Thursday I really won't have any new information.  Also, person on the phone couldn't tell me what kind of mammogram I was having, and whether the results were on film or digital.  Shouldn't that matter and don't people understand what they do for a living?

Questions (which I thought of after I got off the phone)  -

• Who is the radiologist reading my reports?  Am I able to choose my radiologist?
• Person on the phone asked if having my mammogram at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center was ok - is the selection of the medical center performing my mammogram important?

April 1, 2015

Went to the doctor today.  I was concerned about a visible lump on my breast and what I thought was a mass inside the breast.  Bryce told me not to worry.  I am 30, no breast cancer history in the family.  Not a big deal.  

The doctor informed me the visible lump was a lymph node.  Lymph nodes usually come and go. Sometimes they swell due to infection. (I had already seen two other docs about these lymph nodes over the last 2 years - so they had been around for awhile.) The visible one the doctor told me one was hard, which isn't a good sign - and there was definitely a mass in the breast.  

Of course one's first appointment tells very little about what is to come.  Make another appointment, wait, more tests, wait again.  Next week is a mammogram, ultra sound, and possible biopsy. Could be nothing.  Could be the start of something huge.  

It's easy to play the what-if game, so I try to shut out those ideas.  It's a little scary to think about what could be, but I focus on what I know.  I came home and read about mammograms and ultra sounds. What questions to ask and how to read results.  

I'm writing to record my discoveries (for myself and maybe others) as I unfold the possibilities available in this genomic revolution. :) 

PS - Not an April Fool's joke